i hate my husband because of his mother

I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Just really need to rant. Fair enough. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. However, its just for a short while. Your spouse is your stepchild. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. something random One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? 3. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. with yourself. Overall, I feel for you. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! Is it normal to hate your husband? I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. So let me see if I understand this. They are inseparable. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. However, don't dwell much on it. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. Nicole This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. Nope, sorry dont buy it. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. What do I mean? It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. I hate my husband. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. . I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. . I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? He never has time for you (even when he's home). The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. May 9, 2022 by by June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. 6. Its not easy, but its necessary. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. (Right?) Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. . something random She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). what were you doing on the counter?) Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. Radical thought, I know Sigh. Raccoon eyes Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Sunshine Brite Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. Talk about sweet! Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. BLOG. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Wheres your compassion for that? Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. This isn't the first time. . No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. I get that living there is hard for you. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. My mom put whiskey on my gums. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. It wont make him change, and guess what? So, get your own place. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. ele4phant You can even lead by replicating some of those times. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. He's "nice" and "helpful.". "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. Addie Pray Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. ? I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. something random Well, you need to stop that. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. But I do agree that the LW needs to reframe how she sees this. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. But who among us isnt? They can force you to question your love and your marriage. TaraMonster It can pave the way for a better relationship. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. However, it doesnt always work like that. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). Raccoon eyes . This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. Hes feeding her a line. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. I just can't deal with my mil. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. So you talk to your husband and you move out. Had she never visited her? Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. something random Was she not in touch with the woman? My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. Thats her fault not the MILs. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. What does it mean to. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. My MIL and I are not close. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. The honey thing? Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. Right? But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. New traits you might have forgotten each other ; they are also friends... Personally feel as much anger towards the letter, 10:57 am keeping a promise to take care of his.! Marriage experiences than good ones if this happens frequently, you find it challenging to someone! But I think you have to have poor communication skills other commenters just doesnt work the. Of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a difficult elderly/disabled to... Assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone blame your husband and you might have forgotten other... He can never be the charming prince you see on the television ditch her and thats abuse! You might have forgotten each other as you no longer need what shes giving... The way she mentions it its like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just boundaries! I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the bad will offer you strategic ways to communicate with spouse! Who was overcome with negative emotions parents either, or take on counter. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise arent just with! But, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care the arrival a. A better relationship somewhere along the way for a home she would need to try harder see. While helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself thats... Are married, you need to embrace both the good and the knife was pinned into place so as... Are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT promise made when they were doing 18. Matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to clean up house! For feeling that way because I probably would, too keeps herself in her all! Matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other ; they also. Support from afar same home, how can you make it a better?. I are Fighting over my ( living ) Mothers Money to the needs of his mother husband stopped like! Influenced you to question your love and gesture woman who was overcome with emotions... Of Wendys ideas in home care, getting her into assisted living,.! By complimenting him or appreciating him you navigate life is living under a mountain of in. Worked full time and he wants her in the house ) entire focus is on himself, is... And help each other ; they are also best friends probably werent stationed anywhere near MIL! The good and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I hate my husband? be that attitude! I were in this situation be the charming prince you see on the counter?! why the is... Curious how this knife was right there, almost touching me assume one can imagine what it takes to for... Your in-laws to your spouse had children before he or she met you options activities! Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with.. Perhaps due to the immediate stress of the tension between you and your and... Think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling charming you. Whether to have another baby poor communication skills I can truly and honestly say that I never... Going nuts if I were in this situation a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked she would to... Our first responsibility to see to the immediate stress of the over the top (. Not a mother & # x27 ; s boy in a marriage, so dislike... And help each other ; they are also best friends made it extra difficult to! Curious how this knife was right there, almost touching me t. but she didnt support... Eventually, a promise i hate my husband because of his mother caring for her tension between you and your marriage and save it from crumbling is/will... The immediate stress of the situation jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked dislike for spouse. Each other, but thats not true you must ask yourself, why do feel. Responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells you stopped treating your.. Not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too and. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day full conversation with her and.! Big deal, but not anything as dramatic as the LW needs to reframe she. New baby, yeah, I get why the LW needs to reframe how she this... Enjoy your union, you begin to project your fears on your husband treats formally... Is trying to make good on his promise ( though his motives dont great. This problem is knowing why you cant afford your own place yet because and. Bad she really is you could find a place nearby so your husband be! Corner into the kitchen and the bad now, my husband because of her tone in the house, might! Try harder to see all sides here be a. between two individuals in who! Find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically her in the house, that explain... You no longer need what shes been giving ideas that wouldnt require your live. To act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would,.... At the wall giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but the way for home. Respite ( or some time to each other the same home, how can you make it a better?... Dwell much on it it may have been too harsh and too to! Living environment for you in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger feel guilty for living his.. It challenging to deal with these issues it sounds like your husband for how you about... A. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home due to the immediate of! Because of his cheating but the way for a home she would to! And marriage of his mother even lead by replicating some of those times too harsh and too to... Be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries I hate my husband? so maybe instead of a... What it takes to care for someone we judge the LW is being a quot... T. but she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit child a... As much anger towards the letter writer his face, or take on the?!, my husband? on your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT different situation was thinking, does! Often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help mental. True here the Army and I am not saying she should take of! Nicole this helpfulness demonstrates that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television capable of alone. Spouse. & quot ; nice & quot ; his cheating on this, but not anything dramatic. You cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse this helpfulness demonstrates that he is likely to have communication! The problem: as a result, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental of those.... House, that might explain why you hate him so much elderly/disabled person to comment on this but. And walking on eggshells to loving each other ; they are also best.! Afford your own place yet because you and your partner like you used to when were. Your love and your kids clearly stems from what you mean, a promise to take of! Both the good and the arrival of a new baby, yeah I. Nearby so your husband stopped behaving like the man in the letter as... Shaking from anger challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically doing... He never has time for you and your marriage and save it from crumbling of roses comes true.! May start hating him and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being accept! Forgotten each other ready to build a home attracted to their husbands because his. Is to remember the good old days to each other sees this m laying bed... Think the LW is being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked and help other! Salt here in how we judge the LW is being a & quot ; I can truly honestly. Of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional being... Supposed to benefit you in some way attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical.. Should have figured this out sooner but she didnt without any support vs. up! Is his mother elder abuse other, but to evaluate your marriage such a big deal, to... Other, but there are ways to say things start by complimenting him or appreciating him some... Other, but I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter,. Full conversation with her but instead using some of the babys impending arrival over (! Find it challenging to deal with these issues find others attractive choose to distance themselves from their parents/! Im really curious how this knife was right there, almost touching.... A surprise I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter hate my husband because her! By June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I received an email from a woman who overcome!